World Meditation Day, what a wonderful subject to celebrate.
Meditation has brought a whole new dimension to my life. After a yogi mentioned to me12 months ago that she meditated every morning, I thought to myself... i'm gonna give it a try and see what it's all about. As it approaches my first anniversary of practicing, i've noticed so many positive changes to my life.
For instance, I am less reactive to situations which has been a huge eye opener. I have been stressed in the past (as many of us have and still are) and have said and done things which have made me sad and unhappy with myself. I have now accepted that for what it was. I quite often find myself smiling/laughing about situations now that come up in day to day life, which has got to be a good thing right? The stories I tell myself now are positive ones. I talk to myself with respect and care and love.
One of the worst stories I told myself pre-yoga was that I wasn't intelligent enough to reach my dreams! When I hear myself say that now...I feel sorry for that person and I wonder what made me feel so bad? As i delve deeper inside (something I am looking forward to doing during my Yoga Teacher Training with Soulsanctuarystudios.com), I am starting to peel away the layers of the person I was. It is starting to feel wonderful as I reach towards the person, who was there before all these doubts encompassed me.
I can pretty much pinpoint it to a certain time in my life in my 30's when I was carrying my first child. I was so excited to be pregnant but so ill with sickness. I would drag myself around everyday just surviving. I got to a point where I couldn't carry on with my Degree in Teacher Training and had to give up working in the childcare setting I was in, as I would be popping off to the bathroom to throw up constantly. I was no longer able to care for the children who were in my care, it was a very sad time. I sat at home, feeling very isolated and lonely. I thought I would pick up where I left off when I had my baby and everything would go back to how it was.
I had my beautiful daughter and could not have been more ecstatic, she was everything I dreamed she would be. Right, I thought I will get back on with life. WRONG...I started to put on weight about 3 stone to be exact, I felt fatigued and exhausted, but on the flipside elated that i had such a wonderful little miracle. What was going on? The doctors said I was eating too much, I was starting to feel depressed, I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong, it was all my fault, I wasn't good at this...oh my goodness the spiral was huge! I started to split my personality to suit my situation. I projected happiness to everyone but inside I felt dreadful. My saviour was my baby. She lit up my life, she dragged me out of the darkness every single day. Writing this makes me feel very emotional and this is what Yoga/Meditation has helped me with. The strength you muster from these little human-beings is immense.
So after feeling dreadful for 9 months during pregnancy and then a year of feeling exhausted and wondering what I was doing wrong, my hubby looked up my symptoms on Google! Aha...could I have an underactive thyroid? The answer was YES. The relief was huge, having a diagnosis meant I could start to get my old self back. Or so I thought, but my body and mind had been stressed for nearly 2 years. My sympathetic nervous system was permanently is operation. I perceived every situation as a dangerous/stressful one. I started to feel ashamed of my body, ashamed of my intellect and guilty for what I had become. I lost my voice, my confidence, who I was, my dreams, my future, all I had was my child. I ploughed all my energy into her, made sure her life was happy, I think I lived for her! I never went back to university to finish my degree instead, I took jobs to help pay the mortgage which didn't fulfil me. I lived a multifaceted life depending on who I was with and what situation I was in...not a great way to live but live I did. Life wasn't all doom and gloom though, I had beautiful friends and a wonderful social circle of friends and their children. Samara and I explored alot and spent all our time together having fun. I started to feel a little better and lived with the person I had become.
Coming back to meditation...It is starting to show me who I am and what I have to share with the world. It is such an amazing tool to have. A few things I have noticed are, I am less reactive and alot calmer in situations that arise, coupled with my emotions being more stable now than ever before. My thoughts about the past/future have reduced hugely and I mostly stay in the present moment, whereas before I would be thinking about every little issue playing them over and over. I would wonder what I could of done differently, how silly I looked, what people would think of me - it was exhausting! I also feel more compassionate towards myself and find when I do talk inwardly, the words are postitive. Furthermore, my thoughts towards others have become more and more non-judgemental. I don't seem to question why someone would do something, I just feel that is their space to do what they feel is appropriate for them.
One of the most exciting transformations I have noticed, is a huge change in my memory and creativity. I constantly feel the need to learn by reading and doing courses and wanting to get stuck into new projects, such as this blog and making up this website. I don't have raging fear now about making mistakes, I find myself turning the fear into humour and having fun with my errors (and writing blogs about them). But, most importantly of all I have started to believe that I have something important to contribute to the world, something to give. My goal of becoming a yoga and meditation teacher is now definitely at the front of my mind. I want to inspire others the way I have been inspired by some amazing female teachers. I want to shout out to two amazing teachers who I have practiced with firstly, Laura Barrett from Yogalovecollective.co.uk and Emma Caddick from Emmacaddickwellbeing.co.uk. Both have played a huge part in my meditation journey and I thank them both from the bottom of my heart.
Only thing left to say is...try it, give it a go 1 minute a day, 2 minutes a day whatever and build it up...practice, practice, practice and reap the benefits of meditation in your daily life. It's a life changer, I promise xx
I've listed a few books/podcasts/websites/courses which I have found on my journey which may be of interest to you:
The Science of Meditation by Daniel Golemand and Richard J. Davidson
Feel Better Live More with Dr Chatterjee Podcast
Emma Caddick Wellbeing on Spotify
Thursday night chill club Emmacaddickwellbeing.co.uk
Yoga Love Collective on Spotify
Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty
7 Week Chakra Course: Physical and Energetic Practices by Yogalovecollective.co.uk
4 Week Meditation and Mindfulness Course by Yogalovecollective.co.uk
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